a love relationship to reality

Iyengar translation, sutra 3.18; ""Through direct perception of his subliminal impressions, the yogi gains knowledge of her previous lives"

When Iyengar writes and uses the Hindu concepts of "past and present" lives. I can relate, today.
It is not so much tied up in the death of my body. I actually know something about death and birth going on in my lifetime. The death of an old role, like "wife" she had to die or transcend being divorced. “Daughter” has died many deaths, in order for me and my mum to have a healthy present relationship. "Mother" and co-parent have to die several deaths, the kids and our circumstances and the relation to their father changed so drastically that death and birth is the most accurate description of the process. Going from being a student to being an employee was a death and a birth.

At my last sessions with Godfrey Devereux he insisted to stay on his mat and not play along in the "ending-story" of the class. "There are no endings" well maybe there are deaths, I've experienced this total transformation of mind: I suddenly see the world as I never did before. Maybe "detachment" is a death, death of an old idea or an old story... Maybe awakenings are births, something that dramatically changes the whole perspective and living afterwards.
To me it makes sense to play along and call it an "ending of the class" even doing it consciously as an symbolic act (to see clearly I'm playing). This is the same reason that makes “celebrate new years eve”, as if there is an ending of a year and a start of a new year, meaningfull – to play symbolically. These things that I do, isn't a reflection of my truth or beliefs but recognition of death and birth in a symbolical way. Celebrating them, separated from when they occur to me or my family as human beings.

"Samyama on one's tendencies and habits will lead one to his/her origins. Consequently, one gains deep knowledge of one's past." The same sutra 3.18, translated by Desikachar.
I have been doing daily inventory for 4-5 years. The last year it's been with the yamas and niyamas as inventory-model. It gives me insight into me, it brings perspective and proportions - not a bad thing and; Yes! very deep. This also relates to the asana-work. Doing the same asanas, daily, for about three months in a row, gives me deep knowledge of my habits and tendencies, but like with my inventory I don't enjoy the knowledge as much as seeing what this knowledge gives me - balance, strength, flexibility, lightness and wellbeing, comfort, contentment.
This is how I relate to the words of Desikachar:
"We learn how our behaviour and personal characteristics developed and what events in the past influenced our attitudes, likes and dislikes."
Or in Iyengar's words: "pains and pleasures experienced in present life as a result of good and bad actions in past lives"

Iyengar writes that: "When we see in truth, we see directly "independent of memory, and feelings of joy and sorrow""
This gets turned around for me into a guideline: The things in my life I'm not emotionally reacting to, is the things I'm closest to the truth about.
And :-)
When I’m emotional excited/sad/angry and on a “very important” mission – I might not be in contact with the most truth there is… Good guideline to wait until the wave have crusted and is retracting… I know this is true for me. I know how it feels when the story about "it is soo important!!" lets go and there is suddenly a possibility to move and change and; unlike nothing else, a sense of being real. After I started to have these experiences I've developed a passionate love-relationship with reality - loving it above all else - even when it hurts. (I'm done painting my red flags green - thanks for these words)
Namsté
Jenni Saunte

Study, brings one close...

2.44 “Study, when it is developed to the highest degree, brings one close to the higher Source that promotes understanding of the most complex.” (Desikachar translation) From reading both Iyengar and Desikachar I get at least three ways of unfolding “study”. It is the understanding of weaknesses and strengths in us that can nullify the weaknesses and make us use our strengths. It can be the study of sacred scriptures and reciting of mantras. But I love the suggestion that it is the communicating process in which the sensations and experiences gets through the skin and all our inner sheaths to the inner seer and from the inner seer to the outer layers of the seers abode :-) Study as the process in which the inner seer breaths through me, the expanding and contracting motion ever ongoing – I get really happy.

To my yoga teaching (and practice) this becomes the mantra reciting :-) and the exploration of what the inner seer tells each and everyone of us.

In my life this gets united with what my dear friend, used to tell me, (before exams) that there is no use focusing on what we didn’t have time to read and work through, he said lets focus on what we know and did. I just love that! Today this turns into the wisdom of the sutra - to get the weaknesses nullified and the strengths in use. And I’m grateful for a guideline to live life today, keeping my eyes on the price :-) what already is working, free and filled up with love.

Namasté
Jenni Saunte

sense of getting cleaned, and being the cleaning-person at the same time

Sutra 2.32
“Niyama comprises:
1. Cleanliness, or the keeping of our bodies and our surroundings neat and clean.
2. Contentment or the ability to be happy with what we have and do not crave what we do not have.
3. The removal of impurities in our physical and mental systems through the maintenance of correct habits such as sleep, exercise, nutrition, work and relaxation.
4. Study and the necessity to review our progress.
5. Actions done more in the spirit of service than for personal gain.” (Desikachar translation)

Ok. So this is our attitude towards ourselves. Here is my "check in": 1. yes, Cleaning as an act, is very present in my life :-) two kids, 6 and 10 years – makes it very urgent to keep on cleaning – not to get It done, once and for all, but to be in the process. It is kind of a creative act (am I too weird now?) to organize and to play that I know where stuff should be, in relation to other stuff :-) creating jennis-universe through cleaning – ha. But it sometimes also brings me the position as the servant, number 5. Because I can tell that my kids loves their rooms and our place more when the surface of the table is visible and the dog is to be found. 2. contentment is a gift, and I love the thought of us – always being content, underneath :-) some five or ten years ago I was a supporter of the idea, that if I ever got mad or sad, I’ve probably always was mad or sad, but just not in touch with (suppressing) my tru depressing feelings. Well a wise person told me – it might as well be the other way around. Maybe I’m always content and happy, and sometimes I forget it in the turbulence of my ego or life’s overwhelming richness. But there is an ease and a peace of mind, in contentment that reminds me of “were the piece of the puzzle fits”. This makes it attractive to me.
3. When I sleep well and there has been a feeling of healthy food and moving of my body, I guess I feel pure – and the opposite is also true, I feel impure or like “a mess” when I slept bad or eat really only sugar and fat and didn’t move at all :-) yea that happens !
4. I love that work and study are mentioned in 4 and 5, because I feel so passionate about these aspects of my life. They melt together, but is also a true sound position for me to be in. The months after graduation before I got a job, I renamed my job-applications to “my job”. I couldn’t relate to being without job, fine lets call my new job “hired as unemployed” but the idea of: "without job"… too weird for me. My daily and weekly practice of self-inquiry or self-examination and study of yoga, is a lifeline, my beloved oxygen mask. And it reveals me to me, again and again depths of realization, patterns and brings me to bottoming out in non-functional patterns and bringing me through vague, uncertain periods into new grounds, new positions. It brings me perspective and proportion.

In my yoga practice and in the asana, it gives me: sense of getting cleaned, and being the cleaning-person at the same time. The asana gives me (most of the time) contentment. It brings me exercise and a good nights sleep. It is both my work and my study :-) and it often gives me the position to be serving a crowd of yoga-lovers <3 This little relation practice tells me that; doing the niyamas, is the same as doing my personal practice – fantastic!
Namasté
Jenni Saunte

Iyengar sutras and gayatri mantra

Little salute
I just received “Light on the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali” by B.K.S. Iyengar – I’m thrilled, I like it. I know my collections of translations of Patanjali sutras is about to be… fun, but it feels like a good and important one – this one. I will journey with it for some time, (usually the inner suggestion is to try for at least 90 days, before taking a stand) – but there was a beautiful gift in this book – a foreword by Godfri Devereaux, whom I’ve had an inspiring, deep and poetic practice with (pranayama and bandhas) – that was just an extra unexpected gift that already made me happy.
I’ve decided to share the gayatri mantra introduced to me this summer. It feels in a new way, being born into singing (even though that word is not the right one for me) again and this time, through heart. So I will stick to that for some time now. I found this page about the gayatri mantra <3 <3 I find it amazing how many different melodies that are used, I relate and recognize best the sai baba version... just scroll down and you will find them - enjoy!

bying me some time :-)

I just need some extra time - it is soo beautifull that I'm moving on to chapter 2 in the sutras - into something (I think) that is more practical (?!).. at the same time as I finishes my academic studies at the university with great satisfaction, and moving towards a working life. I'l be back on sutra 2.1 in the next coouple of days...
love and light bunny jumps :-)

humming bird

I’m so grateful for my strong back. It carries me safely (I am safe and protected) into the big backbends and I’m not a kid any longer. This morning I woke up with a weird feeling, a pain, in my body. I went to a yogaclass at a friends place (Hamsa) I usually don’t have much time to take classes, just give classes and minding my daily practice, but today I needed to fill up. It was nice, I tried to move on with my day afterwards, but my body stopped me; telling me to pay attention. So I did. It was summing, or humming filled with presence, life. Nothing should be altered or changed, just some stillness and experience of the moment.
We have made a new blog to this semesters course-project in “knowledge management” I’m so glad to work together with two students this semester, it’s a lot of fun and play.
My head is filled with ideas for the summer-retreat and also some ideas for the event about being new – Easter Monday.
Namasté
Jenni

thoughts on thoughts

I’m surrounded by thinkers, and I really get it. When I suddenly gets something it’s such an incredible ego boost.
Thinking, thinking, thinking, and somehow, no matter how bright those thoughts are, it’s still just thoughts. My thoughts can make me crazy; they can tell me that they are me! - That there’s nothing else. I really loved Descartes, with his “cogito ergo sum” but, yoga teaches me something else.
Thoughts, feelings are rising into a crest and breaking on the shore of the spirit.
It’s in the doing that I live, in my breath, my heartbeat, my limitations and possibilities. In the doing, no matter if its asanas, domestic work, studies. I can reverse all this and go the opposite way, but today I find serenity in the doing (and in the doing of non-action).
“It's IN THE DOING, IN THE DOING that we find
A certain way that we can live our lives
And OBTAIN some peace of mind” (Van Morrison)
Namasté Jenni

working woman

Man! A week just went by, and it felt like,, closing and opening my eyelids. Speaking of eyelids, I’m exhausted, tired and soon of to bed. I don’t want to, because it’s just not normal to be tired this early. So here I am, fighting it, with your help. Yep! You are responsible ;)
I’ve tried two new things this week (actually much more than two, but theese two were big) I’ve been representing my university at an educational market, fair kind of thing. To sell,,, well I can get better at that. The other thing was to be a part of introducing a semester and the courses, to all the students on that semester, even though not exactly everyone came. But it was like “crossing over” no matter how small, I suddenly stood there, by the microphone (not drawing pictures in my book at my bench). Jaja (as we say in Sweden) I did learn something, thanks to this job and my studies, about being in the now. And I’m grateful for that.

Cultural theory

My courses this semester have started in the best possible way. After weeks with rain and grey weather, we met at the “sea” in the middle of Copenhagen, to take a walk by the water and look at modernism and post modernism or what have happened the last 40 (150) years in this part of the city. The sun came and it turned into a rather long walk. We were supposed to take a bus home, but we couldn’t find it so I walked and I got to really stretch my legs, I could feel my legs the day after, as heavy grounded roots. That’s a good feeling and I got to hear about my coming teachers ongoing research projects, which was interesting. I love to have engaged teachers, it makes everything more exciting. It correlates to my reality that my reading and working matters. And as I concluded before, unity is a nice, contented feeling.

An experience and playfulness

Yes, Camilla prodded me to tell about my project. I proudly delivered a 187 pages long essay about experiences. Or more exactly, how to create a room that contains possibilities, for the visitor, to get an experience. You can read it here! If you saw my face, you would laugh,, I just have this grin! Like a cat who caught the rat… This project has given me a contented feeling. I have been a little girl playing with ideas and my group have been amazing, our last meeting, we wore crazy hats and a wig. I’ve also enjoyed my ability to structure my work, so that my parts are done, way before deadline, and this in a group that have another feeling of time. I found time to do my yoga work and being with my kids and not losing sight of my greater power all that much. So I give myself an A. And more, I consider my own grading as my reality. How I love reality, and owning, being and loving what already is! Two semesters ago, I had the blues after my exams for five days, last semester I had something like three days of blues. This semester I’ve had,,, NONE! I’ve been tired and I slept. I haven’t had energy to plan exciting things, so I haven’t planned anything. After a week I reread my essay, and I still liked it! I see this whole grade-thing as a game we play. There is so much love in playing. When I can find my playfulness and bring it into my work (all three works) I’m a more loving and living fellow human being. I’m so grateful that I chose this subject for my essay, where I could use my yoga philosophy as a guideline. I could actually use my body experiences to understand theoreticians writing at a high abstract/intellectual level. I also could chose to listen to my body experience and by opening my mind see the theoreticians that could explain and thereby be used to support my own inner knowledge. Beautiful

Serendipity and yoga

I think that “unsought findings” is one of the great promises in yoga. Since yoga work so much with the present and with awareness (sthira) we are bound to find something. Maybe that’s the essence of body consciousness, the sum of unexpressed knowledge and the unsought findings?
I find so many new experiences by working with yoga, when I succeed in letting go of my ambitions, my “I want”, my evaluations “I mean/this means” and my expectations “I cannot”.
When I surrender to the next inhalation or exhalation, I truly find experiences in myself I never knew existed. Get to the matter, an example. Some years ago, I played with my sense of moving my back muscles standing upside down, I suddenly found that; in order to lift my legs calmly up in any variation of a headstand; I use my but as a counterweight to my legs. I didn’t set out to find this, but it was there. Every yoga practise gives me unsought findings, in myself, my body (anatomy and physiology), my spirit, philosophy and life. And many of these findings/experiences can be applied to completely other parts of my life. Love it when one part of my life can enrich another or in this case give me some words to explain my experience.

Serendipity

“The art of the unsought finding” (Van Andel)
I haven’t read anything on the subject yet. But after a class about serendipity, we’re sent to take pictures of "it".
I will try to do that today.
When I think about it, it seems like there is a relationship between awareness and time. The less time I have, the more aware I have to be, to se my finding-possibilities. The more time I have, the less aware I have to be – I will always find something.
Another factor that seems to clearly influence my possibilities is meetings! Between “worlds” no matter if these “worlds” are personal universes :) or different theories or different practises. In these meetings there are possibilities for “unsought findings”. I love that expression!

Can you experience something without putting it into a frame of meaning?

In yoga we talk about peeling off layers of understanding, so that we can get to the pure experience. In my studies, my teacher wants me to accept that we cannot experience anything without simultaneously applying meaning to our experience (therefore we always learn). I really can’t figure it out. My intellect can accept the texts I’m introduced to in my studies. But! (whole lot of buts) my truth is another. Maybe it is one of these “question of belief” issues?
It reminds me of what some yoga teachers, that had taught both in India and in western countries, told me. They didn’t have breathing exercises to western pupils, because tradition focuses on growing the inhalation (learn to recive?), and that’s what most eastern pupils need, but we are the opposite. In the west we need to learn how to exhale, (to give?). Maybe western philosophy focus on extracting meaning out of everything? While eastern let it go, and end up having more pure experience and still somehow more meaning. Yoga philosophy (so far) gives me,,,,, meaning ;)
Knowledge is wisdom put into practice
Experience has several meanings in English, two that we have separate words for in Danish. (e.g. “He gained valuable experience”,,, and “an exciting experience”).
I wonder, do you always get experienced by having experiences? I get a picture of a hierarchy; at the bottom several experiences makes you experienced, knowledge contains practicing this experience and wisdom is the sum of all the knowledge that’s put into practice. No, not working. Maybe this is to ambitious for a tired Thursday evening?
One of my mentors suggests: “knowledge is information put into practice and wisdom is knowledge put into practice”. Well, the concept of “information” kind of makes me wanna cry, but the last part seems to be a relief to think. So I’m holding on to whatever gives meaning in this extended moment.
Yes, it connects the parts! If knowledge is the collective experiences, than it would be wise to act according to these realizations.

Classes and my studies

MY WORLD what a difference it makes to get some sleep! I wrote a mail before I slept for 4 hours this afternoon, than I just read it again. My perspective is completely different. And this is my experience, that keeps coming back; sleep, food, connecting to people around me and hanging on to where the serenity is - turns me into a completely different positive person! Before my sleep I used a bit of power on figuring out how to get an essay written, teach classes and get to go to an interesting meeting tomorrow. After sleeping, I remember that my classes were cancelled this weekend due to an event – so there is really nothing to think about. So,,, my essay will be about blogging and learning. And my classes coming up, will be about surrender, or exploring yoga with the principle of “vairagya”.

Metablogging

I'm reading a book by Qvortrup (better learn to spell that name:) about how we as actors on internet both wants and fears the transparency that we gain. I think that considers me wanting to blog on different blogs about different things. It is also a social thing for me, something about having different roles in different communities. My fellow students should not know my spiritual nature and other interests and my co-workers or spiritual acquaintances couldn’t possibly be interested in other sides of me. I’m taking decisions on their behalf, and they cannot even object, since nobody can se, that I only show the side of me, I doom them to be interested in. And again, why I’m writing, and to whom, I still don’t know. I know I enjoy reading some of your blogs a lot! I will soon make a bloglist on the side, but for now, I want to give some of what I get. Thank you for writing in a language, which I can relate to and I recognize as honest!
(Oh, oh,,, I’m so easily affected by what I read (theory of communication, for the time being))

start

The start of a new semester can first happen when I’ve let go of the last. I went north, got some snow and skiing done, fixed my acute need to get out of this big city and my even more urgent need to be embraced by a completely snow covered world. It was great, even though my youngest threw up and coughed every night, so we were tired, it was still great! Even for her! She tells proudly, to every one, that she threw up at grandmas :)
Now a tension of some excitement rises in my lower back, it’s my inner “Peter pedal” I think he’s called “curious George” in English. I know this is a sign of readiness to the next semester; bring it on!!!
hmm probably have to rename this blog, it’s not centred around yoga (even though I think so;) it’s all jenni.

Centrifugal brain problems

I thought it would take the internet business a week to send me my books, but here they are! My trouble is (and that’s the wrong word,,) that when I’m assigned to read books witch are boring I have to keep my spirits up, and I’m getting pretty good at that, but I don’t know what to do when I’m inspired. These new books are so interesting to me, that I cannot read more than half a page and all the consequences of the texts hits me and my brain starts to blend, a centrifugal power that draws lines from the text to the most amazing, unexpected places. I have to stop and do something else; it’s a very restless feeling. But somehow it’s also a gift. I see that I’m privileged to love my work, my studies and this, at times, restless mind, is a small price to pay.

Judgment day

Today I criticize me for not being good enough. Not doing more, not being able to cope more in my everyday, for having a sloppy brain. Yep, exams often have that effect on me, tickles my perfectionism. Really sucks.
It was a good exam, I was fairly treated, so what can I do now.
Maybe, I should do a really sloppy yoga practice, not do anything “perfect” and try to love that?
Or maybe I should do a headstand to change my perspective?
I’m really just tired, so sleep and do nothing is probably what I should let in.
zzzzzzzzzz

Letting go

Yesterday a big online community I’ve been a part of closed down. So I’ve been sad.
I’m so grateful that it's been in my life, these two years that I started to study again. Since I’m a single mom and don’t have time to socialize before and after classes, I have enjoyed the opportunity at night, online. Now I have a network at the institute of fellow students, that I keep up with. So it’s ok that it closes, but still a loss. When I was younger it was a threat to feel sadness, I always feared that it never would go away. I’ve experienced that feelings goes by, if I don’t resist them, if I allow them to exist. God! How many times have I not fought- not to get sad or angry?! Now it’s a part of my “daily” yoga-practice, to find out what’s inside, before I start working.
Today the sadness is gone and there is gratitude and I’m in the present again, letting go of this beautiful supporting community.

My profane studies,,,

In a week from now, I will be done with my exams, a tension is building up inside. I can’t read longer than a couple of hours, then I have to do something completely different, because all terms and facts are summing around. When I pick up my kids I try to relax and only give my attention to them. I have to remember, not to plan all kinds of extra activities and keep things simple this week. It’s ok that my studies now will take “mind-space” for a while, it’s only temporary.
I’m blessed to have kids so that I can’t obsess with my reading.
I’m blessed to teach yoga, on the side, so that I always have to get back into my body, down to earth.