Monday, August 03, 2009

not to focus on the wobble :-)

I’m back. In Denmark – but the “I” is questionable if it returned, it surely turned… but maybe to a new direction :-)
My sutras went with me on a fierce, intense yoga travel- it was great!! I was more challenged than ever and ego had a hard time (didn’t find much to build pride upon, haha).

I thought the time in Italy, was only going to be about sutra 2.2 and 2.3 but last post became important. The teacher Glenn Ceresoli said the first day, that if I get confused about what I’m doing just turn back to essence – self-examination was one of the things he declared as essence of yoga- soo… since I had brought the first sutra too, I’ve spent some extra time with this one as well :-) (see last post)

2.2 Desikachar: “Then such practices will be certain to remove the obstacles to clear perception.”
This intensifies and confirms my effort to seek clarity – collect the experiences of which asana take me there (today) – I find that this clear state, can be found anywhere and nowhere. I lack words here.
I find clarity within; sometimes the asana can be the spark that connects me to this clear source. In Italy I had this clear experience, my body felt pure in some of the asanas, like after a long hot shower, or after a good nights sleep – but it was for example the trikonasanas that gave me the sensation…

2.3 “-“- “The obstacles are misapprehension, false identity, excessive attachments, unreasonable dislikes and insecurity.”
“Misapprehension” reminds me of what my guide have told me; “it’s not about finding the truth, it’s about getting rid of the untrue”. It makes me happy, when it all comes together. One of the “false identity” I wrestle with is, believing that I am my feelings, or believing that I am my thoughts.
Or all I am is one special thought or feeling… This often comes with the idea that the thought or feeling (identified with) is very important…

When the sutra says “excessive” attachments – I recognize one of my yoga-teachers words of comforts to me, about my attachment to providing for my children – he told me that some attachments were just part of being human. Sutra 2.1 tells me I’m not the master of everything I do. I think this might apply fine here – I don’t think I have to figure out when I’m too attached, or when the attachment is driving me. I can trust reality to show me in a very clear way when I get driven. This sutra is also one of these transformation sutras, that list what we are moving towards.

Here are some obstacles that my yoga journey re-moved (provoked a change in): “being a teacher” – I got to feel like a beginner, first I hated it, to feel incompetent, but than I fell in love with it again, to have soo much to learn!
“I can take time off, I can do holiday” well I find that I don’t operate to well with that idea, everyday-holiday soo I just call every now a holy now, and what we call it in society I consider a game, a play. I CANNOT do it, not even take time off. I get to experience it, it’s the best and the worst at once. This probably doesn’t make much sense, unless you’re a bit like me :-)
I got to look some of my dislikes in the eye, When I just did it, it was sometimes ok, like performing again, (no matter how short and little), it was ok. Or finding, that my most hated asana (oh yes I have one, sukhasana, maybe different in different yoga directions, but the one with the heel under the knee, and to hurt ego a little more it translates into “easy pose” haha), was going to be part of daily asana practice and I was going to be pushed deeper and deeper into it… it was provoking, destroying, vitalising and motivating. The experience of how insecurity left as I became “part of” was a loving beautiful including experience. Insecurity is like having no balance in a balance pose, very little possibility to feel clarity because you wobble, and tend to focus on the wobble – well there isn’t a balance to focus on yet… This focus-thief is insecurity for me in every area that it appears in, suddenly I’m all focused on the wobble (fun word) the insecurity.
Love and Namasté

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