Friday, October 23, 2009

trial and error and being new

“Painful effects from any object or situation can be a result of one or more of the following – changes in the perceived object, the desire to repeat pleasurable experiences and the strong effect of conditioning from the past. In addition, changes within the individual can be contributory factors.” Desikachar translation.

This reminds me of my reactions towards change, I’m a habit-lover :-) I really am. My attachment to inner or outside order – to be in a certain way can be strong, and when these orders change (according to their nature, thanks I.) I react, sometimes with fear, sometimes with confusion or resistance. This also reminds me of the idea of finding my starting point before class, to work in authenticity (of here and now) instead of working according to my thought of how it was yesterday or usually is or how my persistent idea of how it should be.

“The wise man knows that owing to fluctuations, the qualities of nature, and subliminal impressions, even pleasant experiences are tinged with sorrow, and keeps aloof from them.” Iyengar translation.

What am I afraid of? If I don’t act to get satisfaction, I won’t ever feel satisfied again? Pain is all there is :-) I know, from personal experience, that there are other soft sides of “feel good” and “satisfied”. Well, maybe I lack words, but these softies don’t seem to come from action, but rather from neutrality or detachment. How can I be enthusiastic and neutral at the same time? Well, right now, there is one experience that pops up, when I do my daily routine, and just do it even though I didn’t want to when I rolled out my mat, to start with. I’ve tried to experience that after some breaths the resentment is gone, and after some more breaths, there is a commitment to the breath and movement I’m in, and a fickle enthusiasm, that reminds me more of intensity than “it’s soo important” what I do.

To my class it inspires me to work with trial and error and being new.
It is not so important what the result of the asana is, we can be assured that everything will be ok and just give it a try. Just do it – trial and error - don’t over think it.
When I discover a habit I sometimes break it, like; take another place in the room. Sometimes I go back to my habit (less noise or less windy) and sometimes I just change it whenever I see that it just become a crutch. To try something new gives me intensity (both pleasant and unpleasant) and it makes my “very important and professional” role or "this is the only right way" vaporise.

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